ACK Mommy

From 2 lines on a test to cursing in labor, to 2am feedings and Lorelei's first steps.
My pregnancy and parenting blog.

28 years old. Married to the love of my life. Mother to Lorelei Marilyn. I write about everything from pets to work to parenting to babies to the ocean. But mostly this is my parenting blog.

Everything I post on here is furrealz. My pictures of me, my belly, my daughter, my dogs, my husband, etc. are MY property. Please do NOT re-post without my permission. I will find you and beat you with a stick. Anything else that is a re-blog or a gif, have at it. Thanks for stopping by!

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Tu tu girl.

Work has been going well enough. But I miss my baby every day. Sometimes it’s harder than other times, but this morning when I left Jason was trying to feed her a bottle and she wouldn’t take it (this was after I breastfed her while he was heating it up). Of course, I had to be at work in 10 minutes.

The bottle was super-hot when I asked to see it. It scared me a little bit that, at 4 months old, he still isn’t able to do it right. I don’t want to think about it too much.

But it makes me think that I really need to be the one with her more than he is. But I work at 7:30 every weekday. And more often than not, he gets to be with her first thing in the morning. By the time I’m done with work for the day, I get home and try to spend as much time as I can with Lorelei, in addition to start dinner, or clean, or work on photos or web design.

It’s just getting to be too much.

Jason went to visit a couple of new facilities he can transfer to last weekend. We’re looking to go to Florida. They are hiring about 10 people at one of the places he looked at and I have my fingers crossed. But at the same time I’m afraid to get my hopes up because I don’t want to be disappointed. First we’d have to rent until he qualifies to do everything they need to have him do, and 2nd we’d have to rent our house here (we own) until the land bank credit period has passed (which is May of 2015 - everyone in this town has to pay one…..it’s so stupid but it keeps this town super-conservation-land-friendly)

I don’t want to think about it too much.

But where we live is so expensive, I have to work in order to help pay the bills. If we move to Florida, it will be financially feasible for me to be a stay-at-home-mom. I never thought it would be what I want, but I just am at this point that I know I’ve missed out on so much already. Maybe it’s a subconscious thing because I wasn’t there when she was born (they’d knocked me out during the c-section because I started to move around on the table…..)

God, I don’t know…..I just know I’m at this point where I feel so torn. Who knows if we’re even going to go anywhere. I’m not planning on leaving my job, which I do love (most of the time, lol), until anything is set in stone…..

Pumpkins with Grandma and Grandpa :) (Taken with Instagram)

  • Hi, I breastfeed: Ew, get your tits off my dash omg why can't you put a blanket over that
  • Hi, I formula feed: why don't you just light your baby on fire and throw it off a cliff while you're at it.
  • Hi, I'm breastfeeding my toddler: Fucking sick freak wtf let your child grow up already.
  • I co-sleep: You're going to roll over on your baby and it will be a pancake.
  • My child sleeps in his/her own crib: why don't you love your baby.
  • I use a toddler leash on my child: omg you can't control your kids you're such a horrible mom.
  • I practice baby-wearing: your kid is going to live with you until it's 40.
  • My child doesn't watch tv: you're depriving your child, wtf is wrong with you.
  • My child watches tv: yeah great job using the tv as a baby sitter you lazy bitch.
  • I'm a stay at home parent: Lazy!!
  • I'm a working parent: Wtf you don't love your kids.
  • I'm a happy single parent: NO YOU'RE NOT. Someone please find this person a spouse like right now.
  • I'm happily married: your marriage will fail lol marriage is dumb what is wrong with you.
  • Disposable diapers: why do you hate the environment
  • Cloth diapers: hippie freak.
  • Our child is home-schooled: no social life ever.
  • Our child goes to public school: why not just let satan teach your kids?

I just want to curl up at home all day with my daughter. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to talk with anyone on the phone. I just want to stare at her and watch her grow and laugh and play. I want to breast feed her without any time constraints. I want to cuddle with her and let her know she is loved. 

Nothing significant happened today to make me feel this way. Work is actually quite good. I’ve been taking the Zoloft and so far I don’t feel like a zombie. I feel a little woozy if I take it in the morning (which I had to do today because I forgot to take it last night) especially if I take it without food.

There’s nothing that made me feel so needy for my baby today. But I just want to be with her and no one else right now. 

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I need to leave this place. My husband and I have been seriously getting on planning to move to Florida. We just need to leave this place. I love my job but not enough to keep me here. And I want to raise our daughter. If we move, he’ll make the same $ in Florida he does here. But the cost of living here is, no joke, 3x the price of where we’d go in Florida. 

Our home here was nearly $400k. It’s 2 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, and it’s a condo on a shared lot with 3 other houses. There’s only a couple of places that are more expensive to live in the USA - Beverly Hills and Manhattan - as far as I know. 

But it is beautiful here.

Just no place to raise a family. Kids need things to do besides go to the beach. And you can’t go to the beach here in February. (Well….I suppose you could but you’d freeze your ass off….) 

And I feel like there’s very little left for me here. My mom and stepdad are here, but I’ve spent the last 14 years of my life here (besides 4 years in college….). 

It’s time to go.

We just need to get my husband’s transfer papers in. We’ll have to eat our $11k land bank fee but whatever. At this point I’ll take it. And a house that isn’t swallowing me alive. 

My dear friend’s 21 month-old daughter died yesterday unexpectedly. The father said she just stopped breathing. I don’t know specifics yet but I just spent most of the day crying. She was supposed to be the flower girl in our wedding but my girlfriend couldn’t make it when I switched the date (when I found out I was pregnant.) I’ve been friends with this girl since I was 14. We’ve seen each other through so much. And there’s nothing I can do to help her right now. 

I left work shortly after I found out. I felt like an empty shell. I still kind of do. I just wanted to hold my baby girl and never let her go. 

It’s time like this I question my faith in God. 

Rest in peace, beautiful baby girl.

My therapist is putting me on zoloft. She said I have PPD. This blows. 

Good marning. (Taken with Instagram)

I am so sorry it’s been so long fellow tumblrs. I have been back at work for over a month now and, although it feels like I never left, I miss my baby girl so much during the day. This morning I cried before I left for work. I just cried because she was up half the night (as was I) because she had a stuffy nose, I cried because I didn’t want to leave her, and I just wanted to lay in bed and nurse her all day. 

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Okay enough with this baby weight fat shittiness already. I’m ready to not have cottage cheese thighs and a jiggly stomach/ass anymore.

Anyone have any tips on getting rid of the baby weight? I’m 27. And don’t say eat right and exercise. I need specifics - like WHAT to eat, and WHAT exercises worked for you.

Please and thank you!! :) 

Grandma’s girl. (Taken with Instagram)

Yes please.

(via mrscandyv)

So I started back at work last week. I do have to admit it’s good being back in a routine. The weirdest thing about being back is pumping at work. And it almost feels like I never left.

But being away from Lorelei is killing me. I miss her face. I miss her baby noises. I miss holding her. It’s really hard. 

My sister-in-law who is amazing with kids said she would love to be our nanny/sitter when we need her 2 1/2 days a week, which is a huge weight off my shoulders. I have no idea what we should pay her, but I asked her last week and she had gotten an offer to work at a preschool but turned it down to watch Lorelei and one other baby (who’s 9 mos old). I feel really lucky to have her helping us out. 

My mother has been useless. She doesn’t agree with me going back to work. I asked her to watch Lorelei last Thursday and she said she didn’t want to because it would help out my husband (she feels Jason should be the sole provider). It really sucked to hear that, because you’d think she would WANT to spend time with her only grandchild. I’ve about written her off at this point, which makes me so sad. My mother-in-law, or Jason’s grandma, or my father would all KILL to watch her but they live too far away for that to be an option. 

I think the lost relationship with my mom is making this even harder. Like if I didn’t go back to work I could have my baby AND my mother. But because I’ve chosen to make money I’m being punished in other ways.

And Jason’s completely unappreciative. It’s like he just expected me to push out a kid (or have her cut out, in my case….), recover from a c-section overnight, and bounce back to work a few weeks later after sticking our baby in daycare. He’s so fucked in the head it makes me sick. 

I told him last night I might as well be a single parent the way things are. I’m back at work making money, solely responsible for our daughter’s health and sustenance, up with her all night, putting her to bed in the evening. He says that I don’t let him do anything but then if I were to go take a nap, I wake back up to find him on his computer with her in her swing - he’s never playing with her, never holding her, lets her sit in a dirty diaper allllll the time. And I just can’t take it. 

 I wish my marriage was getting better but it’s only getting worse. We were up till 2am fighting last night. And of course I woke up at 5:30 to pump. For the first time in who knows how long, he got up and fed her. He doesn’t work before 10am 4/5 days a week (I work at 7:30 every week day) and yet I’m the one getting up with her. Even on my days off, he gets to sleep in (he doesn’t work until 2pm). What’s wrong with this picture? 

Being a mother and a wife is the world’s most thankless job. At least in my case.

This whole being-back-at-work-and-away-from-my-daughter-thing is killing me.

I feel like crying every other minute. 

I just sent a novel of an email to my husband saying I don’t know what the hell to do. Financially we can’t afford to live on just his income. I don’t know how but in my mind we could make it work. But I also don’t think I have it in my to be a stay at home mom - the last ten weeks I felt so incredibly cooped up. I don’t think I could sit around and breastfeed all day while my husband makes all the money and I have to depend on him.

That’s just not my style either. I want to be able to afford my own things. I don’t want us to be stressed financially. I don’t want the burden to fall completely on my husband. Our mortgage, my student loans, our car payments, insurance, etc etc etc. I just don’t feel that’s fair. On a more selfish note, I don’t want to be left with nothing God-forbid something were to ever happen and Jason’s no longer able to support us (job loss, divorce, death - tragic awful things no one ever wants to think about….) 

I am so easily influenced - my mom thinks I should make sacrifices and stay at home (get rid of my car, not spend $, let me student loans default, etc.) and Jason’s mom thinks I should go back to work (Jason thinks so too) like she did - she dropped him and his sister off at daycare at 8 weeks old. 

I am torn between two completely opposite things. And my boss, who previously told me that it would be fine to bring the baby into work, has now re-negged on that (understandably so - I work for a construction company and we have a wood shop downstairs - paint fumes, sawdust, etc are all real job conditions that a small infant should NOT be exposed to, and I do agree) but now I really don’t know what to do…..

Daycare is out of the question. And I have no idea what the going rate for a nanny is, if I could even find one for 2 1/2 days a week…..

So that’s the latest…..